Messaneo

chrzz...chzzz... He.. zzh.. Hello.. chrz... if you're listening......hrzz....... I'm all alone in my room...... send help.. chzz..

You might think that I'm a bit odd.. but I can write, read, think and construct a text in english much better than in swedish.. since the swedish grammar system is slightly less efficient.. (and as a sidenote, I like the english language more than swedish). Therefore.. I will write this whole text in english.

I've been really wrapped up in my so called "life" in the ending months of 2008.. the band-rehearsing.. school.. hanging out with Kennes.. training capoeira.. and trying to draw. These things are what I do.. and I managed quite well with it. Though everything gets thrown upside-down when I mix in my emotions.

I can't seem to get rid of my paranoia.. and I don't wish to blame anyone.. but I'm glad someone could step up atleast. You know, I don't think I've mentioned you here before, but you truly are one of my best friends.. which I didn't realize until quite recently. Doesn't matter if you read this or not, though I hope you know it anyway.

You also helped me more than anyone else to understand my mistake.. my recent mistake.. or.. I shouldn't call my latest relationship a mistake.. though at the same time.. it was. I should never have mixed her with my life. Thing is.. I thought I liked her.. because she was nice to me during a time at which I felt more lonely than I could ever have understood myself.. but.. this is not enough.. especially when it's too much. My life is so different compared to hers.. and it's complicated in a way I can't explain with the number of allowed words in this blogg. I don't want her close to me in my complicated life.. especially when she could do so much better with someone she fits with.. and I wish her all the best.

As for where my own love in truth lies.. I've always known what I've felt.. which I feel horrible about now.. considering the text above. In other words.. I wanted something fake to be real. Because generally I don't get the same thing as everyone seems to have.. about doubts.. about not knowing what they feel. And in a way.. it's comforting to know myself.. even though it's brought me both happiness and pain. The joy of this persons existence shines through the cracks in every fight.. in every move that makes me sad.. in every flaw of this complicated friendship. And in the good times.. I could fly to heaven and back. The most wonderful person on this earth.. who also deserves the most wonderful life.. that's you.
I will always be there.. in the worst of times you can count on me.


Also.. that slumbering monster called "Complicated" woke up yet again.. but on some level.. I don't mind. Life would be rather boring without him.. and I'm used to things being complicated.

<3 to you all
I'm Messie.. over and out.